Top 5 Worst Christmas Gifts
It's that time of year when we can expect to both give and receive an unwelcomed gift. And I don't mean unwelcomed like an ugly hat. I mean dreadfully distasteful. Let me put some common, somewhat traditional gifts into perspective with my "Top 5 Worst Christmas Gifts" list. Ladies and Gentlemen, you may already be a winner.
1. A Scratch Off Ticket - Nothing says "I Love You" like terrible odds at winning two bucks. Worse, when given to a child you're igniting what could be a life threatening gambling habit. Nice job, asshole.
2. A Gift Certificate - "Hey, I never took the time to get to know you. Here's my special way of showing it." Thanks. I'll be sure to try to spend it all, even if it means using the $2.37 left over after my toaster purchase for six packs of gum to give to you on your birthday.
3. A Bath Robe - When is there even an appropriate time to wear this? When I'm walking from the outdoor shower? When I'm smoking my tobacco pipe on the La-Z-Boy? Besides, no one looks attractive in a bathrobe. It's like a dress with a built in belt.
4. A Calendar - Aww, shucks. I am sweating with anticipation over what fantastic picture next month will bring! Plus, this gift expires in one year. My watch, cell phone, computer, and occasional newspaper do a good enough job at reminding me of the date, thank you.
5. A Keychain Flashlight - For Pete's fuckin sake. I lost my keys in the dark. Now only if I had a flashlight to find them.
No offense if you have purchased these for someone this year. If you have, here's a tip: Stop farting in the checkout line. Everyone knows it was you.
1. A Scratch Off Ticket - Nothing says "I Love You" like terrible odds at winning two bucks. Worse, when given to a child you're igniting what could be a life threatening gambling habit. Nice job, asshole.
2. A Gift Certificate - "Hey, I never took the time to get to know you. Here's my special way of showing it." Thanks. I'll be sure to try to spend it all, even if it means using the $2.37 left over after my toaster purchase for six packs of gum to give to you on your birthday.
3. A Bath Robe - When is there even an appropriate time to wear this? When I'm walking from the outdoor shower? When I'm smoking my tobacco pipe on the La-Z-Boy? Besides, no one looks attractive in a bathrobe. It's like a dress with a built in belt.
4. A Calendar - Aww, shucks. I am sweating with anticipation over what fantastic picture next month will bring! Plus, this gift expires in one year. My watch, cell phone, computer, and occasional newspaper do a good enough job at reminding me of the date, thank you.
5. A Keychain Flashlight - For Pete's fuckin sake. I lost my keys in the dark. Now only if I had a flashlight to find them.
No offense if you have purchased these for someone this year. If you have, here's a tip: Stop farting in the checkout line. Everyone knows it was you.