New Year's Resolutions
Everyone, I hope it's not too late and I've caught you before you've made your New Year's resolution. If you have, it's not too late to change it. I promise no one will track you down and terminate you for switching. You'll thank me later.
Every year people make some shitty resolution like "I'm going to lose some weight" or "I'm going to quit smoking" or "I'm going to stop cheating on my wife". People choose time and time again to resolve these things that they actually enjoy doing like eating, smoking, or cheating on their wife. I personally don't enjoy the latter two, but fuck if I'd ever resolve to change my eating habits. Let me stop you before you choose to resolve something you enjoy. If Ghandi ever gave up peaceful protests for the New Year, where the hell would we be now?
Let me throw you a couple of bones, here. Try for instance, resolving to wipe your ass with your other hand for a year. I bet you'd build all kind of dexterity in your non-dominant arm, and perhaps become one of the best ambidextrous people out there. Or, if you're a hippie let's resolve to stop using napkins. Paper waster, who are you trying to impress anyway? Leave the spaghetti sauce on your face, and save a tree. You smell like an onion anyway.
I've resolved, this year, to try an fit an entire row of crackers into every bowl of soup I eat at home. I'm a big cracker fan, and nothing pisses me off more than leaving those eight crackers at the end, only to find that next time you want some crackers you've got eight and they have the consistency of a starched washcloth. What is anyone going to do with eight crackers? Make the crazy shit that they suggest on the back of the box? Who has that job anyway? "For a festive holiday treat, try topping our crackers with fish paste, a pickle piece, and a dab of cool whip! Mmmmm!" You know what the biggest bitch is? If you've ever thought the pictures looked good enough to try (hey, I've smoked pot once or twice) you know how hard it is to stack anything on that little space. Like a cracker nacho. The mastermind behind that should be slapped for thinking anyone can balance a few crumbles of ground beef, some unstable shredded cheese, a jalapeno slice, and maybe a dollop of sour cream on a 2x2 square. Assholes. By the time you've got one made, you're pretty pissed off.
I digress. Make a good resolution, or else. In fact, if you make a shitty one there is a committee that is appointed to tracking you down to terminate you.
Happy New Year!
Every year people make some shitty resolution like "I'm going to lose some weight" or "I'm going to quit smoking" or "I'm going to stop cheating on my wife". People choose time and time again to resolve these things that they actually enjoy doing like eating, smoking, or cheating on their wife. I personally don't enjoy the latter two, but fuck if I'd ever resolve to change my eating habits. Let me stop you before you choose to resolve something you enjoy. If Ghandi ever gave up peaceful protests for the New Year, where the hell would we be now?
Let me throw you a couple of bones, here. Try for instance, resolving to wipe your ass with your other hand for a year. I bet you'd build all kind of dexterity in your non-dominant arm, and perhaps become one of the best ambidextrous people out there. Or, if you're a hippie let's resolve to stop using napkins. Paper waster, who are you trying to impress anyway? Leave the spaghetti sauce on your face, and save a tree. You smell like an onion anyway.
I've resolved, this year, to try an fit an entire row of crackers into every bowl of soup I eat at home. I'm a big cracker fan, and nothing pisses me off more than leaving those eight crackers at the end, only to find that next time you want some crackers you've got eight and they have the consistency of a starched washcloth. What is anyone going to do with eight crackers? Make the crazy shit that they suggest on the back of the box? Who has that job anyway? "For a festive holiday treat, try topping our crackers with fish paste, a pickle piece, and a dab of cool whip! Mmmmm!" You know what the biggest bitch is? If you've ever thought the pictures looked good enough to try (hey, I've smoked pot once or twice) you know how hard it is to stack anything on that little space. Like a cracker nacho. The mastermind behind that should be slapped for thinking anyone can balance a few crumbles of ground beef, some unstable shredded cheese, a jalapeno slice, and maybe a dollop of sour cream on a 2x2 square. Assholes. By the time you've got one made, you're pretty pissed off.
I digress. Make a good resolution, or else. In fact, if you make a shitty one there is a committee that is appointed to tracking you down to terminate you.
Happy New Year!